Over-Thinking the Situation

fail·ure [feyl-yer]: a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency

I have been wanting to blog, or at least put something down that I could re-read, about failing. I realize that this is kind of a depressing topic, but I feel strongly about getting some things straight... I enjoy the potential topics of discussion that will follow.

I live outside the box... so far outside the box, in fact, that I can't even see the box. I'm unsettled. I thrive in chaos. I love to be on the go. I don't really have the desire to own anything... ever. I don't want to get married or have children (although I would love to adopt someday). I love to travel with no destination. I want to go with the flow. I want to be a cooler person than I am.

American society has put us all in these neat little boxes. We are supposed to grow up and go to college and marry that guy that you dated there and have some kids. Then we would buy a house in the suburbs and have matching cars. Our kids would go to school, and do activities such as ballet and soccer. This idea blows my mind. I admire people who do this. I can't see myself doing this at all.

Much to the disappointment of my mother, I don't really believe in marriage... it's not so much that as I don't believe in divorce, which is why I don't believe in marriage. I can't imagine myself finding a person and knowing that this person is the one that I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. As a product of divorce, the potential for a life-long marriage seems unrealistic to me. I have had some examples of long marriages, and they amaze me. I love these people and admire the strength that it takes to keep a marriage going for thirty, forty, and even fifty years. I tip my had to them.

I can't imagine creating a life. This isn't just having a baby, or raising a kid. It's creating a human being, who will someday have opinions and possibly use those opinions to influence others. Seriously... that's a lot of power. I'm really just afraid of screwing them up and having them resent me for their entire lives.

I think too much. This is my 'fail'. But isn't it better to think too much than not at all. So many people have kids and don't realize how hard it is. I know it's hard, and that's why I don't want to do it.

Going back to our definition of 'failure', I like to think that I have succeeded. My success is knowing what I want. And if I don't know what I DO want, I definitely know what I DON'T want. And that's okay.